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Ok—my doctor says (on the phone) not to worry about the fainting, that leaping out of bed from a cold sleep can do that, and if it was an isolated incident then it's nothing to worry about. Phew. :)

I fainted!

Soooo, I just fainted.

I kinda wanna log what just happened, mostly for my own reference, but I guess also in case it sounds significant to anyone who's curious. This is a little TMI, but the subject matter necessitates it, I think..
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I have no idea how long this all took, but I feel more or less fine now... This is sure something to mention to my sleep doc though, maybe even my GP...!

I've always felt 'a little light-headed' when I decide to try and fight off the drowsiness that glues me to a chair.... sometimes downright dizzy.... looking on Google (I know, I know) suggests low blood pressure, and I know my mom's blood pressure has always been shockingly low (literally, people ask her to re-take the test), so that's something to consider.

I'm certainly going to mention this to my doctors the next time I see them, but I can't figure out whether this is worth making an appointment just to talk about, or whether "I got out of bed like a bolt and then I collapsed" is just how things go? I certainly feel fine now. Remarkably calm again, for how panicked I was earlier!

Thoughts? Wisdom?

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So SlashNet just sent me a NickServ authentication code out of nowhere? And now my NickServ password doesn't work? Is somebody trying to pull a Kazuaki?

Anyway, I've got control of the account again, but I'm not sure if it just expired (the help file said it should take 60 days? and why would it send me a new auth code?), or if I should pick a new password :S

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Do we (Team Hatoful, i.e. The Last Five People On Livejournal) all have webcams? Because, I was already thinking that (when we get around to it) we should do the Q&A session with cams on, since otherwise there isn't anything to look at anyway (besides David crashing virtual planes)... but, after seeing Kjorteo's video, I'm now certain that we need to XD (If only to subject more people to Christmas-Thieves-related nightmares...)

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I feel like I might have figured something out in my sleep last night… it's so subtle and it's already fading, but…

I feel like I remembered a way to not worry about things. Like a way of looking at things that lets them define their own order.

It's so hard to put into words… but when I woke from the dream, the details of my waking life seemed so unfamiliar, but also so simple…

That feeling is already nearly gone, but I'm just so encouraged to have experienced it, especially without even being on meds…

The recurring feeling in the dream was just "of course; how could I have forgotten to do things this way?"

And of looking at the mess that I live in, and realising how much less stressed I'll be with a bit of proactivity to keep things in order…

Unfortunately I got to bed way late last night and didn't get nearly enough sleep; hopefully today's exhaustion won't undermine any progress

(fighting off sleepiness is one of my biggest anxiety triggers…)

It felt a little like the contrast between when I was a bad programmer whose programs were all desperately sprawling…

…and when I learned to accept encapsulation and put a little extra initial effort into organizing the structure of the game before I begin.

Actually, that's a tremendous metaphor—

for years I resisted structure in my projects, because I could only perceive the immediate short-term cost…

but then slowly it clicked… and now it feels GOOD to sit and plan structure, it's my favourite part…

…because now I understand how much easier I'm making my life by doing it.

That's something like how I felt when I looked at my problems in the dream. God, it's so faint now…

But I've been there once, I'm sure I'll find it again eventually.

(especially if I've actually been there before, as the dream seemed to suggest… just so long ago that I can barely recall it…)

It's almost gone now.... but the absolute familiarity of it was the most encouraging thing about it. It felt.... vaguely familiar from my childhood. Or maybe like the time in college when I finally learned how to study. I have kinda felt different about some things I've seen today already, so maybe I can still relate to it? Anyway, like I said -- I know it's there, now. I don't want to jinx this but I really actually think I might be making some kind of progress. We'll see. Hopefully I don't dash it all by changing my life too significantly in the near future :P (Though, even then... every trip back from a bad headspace gets faster. :) )

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Oh my god. I was too distracted by the fact that we were turning into Magical Girls at the time to think about it, but..... I finally realised why this stuck out in my mind.


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Think I realised what draws me to the artificial kind of spaces in old-school first-person games.

It reminds me of how enormous, important, and ancient all buildings used to feel to me when I was a kid

The sense that these structures existed as their own angular self-contained universes, whose purpose and nature I couldn't fathom

and which only had these small windows (literally) into "outside", the universe that connects building-universes

I still have a very poor sense of navigation and space, and it was worse then…

the idea that buildings are just platforms on posts makes sense to me now, but when I was young, I had no idea how rooms fit together

honestly, it makes me wonder if Antichamber is more disconcerting for the average person—most of its architecture feels fine to me :P

(with a few obvious exceptions that I won't mention for fear of spoilers…)

But when a game consists of a series of twisty tunnels of unclear origin whose exterior is a mystery, it gives me that wonder I had as a kid

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[This one's all pervy!]
Found out Ariane Saint-Amour is doing custom photos. My poor little brain is going nuts trying to decide…

Tempted to ask for something with bodypaint or slime, but that's probably too complex…

I normally prefer curvier, more natural people to the skinny model look, but… I've got such a kink for incredibly fake breasts too.<3 X3

The idea of deliberately messing with people's arousal like that… playing up and playing into an instinct…

It doesn't take the place of more genuine expressions of sexuality… but it sits alongside them as an interesting diversion :P

It's actually a weird subject, the difference between sexy and sexual…

her photoshoots are achingly sexy, but there's nothing resembling sex in them, no masturbation, no 'bending over', nothing

It's weird how something can make you feel aroused without even the slightest hint of coitus… there's a disconnect that no-one thinks about

Everyone thinks it's strange that there are non-sexual fetishes like inflation and vore…

but at the end of the day, toplessness is just as non-sexual! It's a gender-defining characteristic, which is closer, but not much…

Like, it has to do with sexual differentiation, but not sexual intercourse :P

I suppose it could be considered 'an instinctual prompt to attempt sex', but that's still pretty abstract compared to just watching sex :P

There are a lot of folks who would rather watch someone 'looking sexy' than having sex, is what I think I was trying to say :P

Savouring the suspense, maybe… like people with a fetish for needing to pee, but not for peeing. ;P

Potential vs actualizing is another idea worth unpacking… but I should probably get back to work XD

[ . . . ]

Realised the one thing I left out of the discussion before… masturbation as a way of resolving abstract longings

The way I see it, even a lot of the more 'standard' fetishes (bondage, aliens, whatever) aren't actually inherently sexual subjects…

It's just that, once you've roped a concept into an orgasm, that feeling of satisfaction over the orgasm transfers to the subject matter too

So if there's a concept you're obsessed with, and there's no real possible resolution for that longing…

…fapping to it provides a temporary 'scratched off the to-do list' feeling there might be no other easy way to obtain.

People initially mix sex with their interest in a "two great tastes that taste great together" kinda way…

…and the feeling of resolution is so satisfying that the association only grows stronger.

To tie it back to the previous conversation, nudity could easily be something that a person feels is lacking in their life, non-sexually…

And they treat it as anyone treats a fetish, by sexualizing it to milk more satisfaction out of it…

And the subjects are so superficially similar that no-one ever stops to contemplate the gap!

Okay I'm really done this time, I promise ;)

…other than that bit about promise vs. actualizing, maybe :P

Did I mention she's a Montrealer? Maybe I can make the methylcellulose for her XD

Sexuality is one of those subjects that never stops having more to unpack.... your brain tries to make it all seem consistent and natural, but that only makes me all the more curious when I find an inconsistency... (unfortunately, I think most people's response to noticing inconsistencies in their sexuality is to become self-conscious about it, and resist thinking about it, which is how we've wound up with a culture where 'innocent' sexuality is so uncomfortable and heavy-handed...)

But yeah, 'suspense and potential being more fun than the eventual actualization' is definitely a strong fetish for a lot of folks. ;P Orgasm denial, perpetually failing to win the approval of a dominatrix, etc... contemplating the universe of possibilities as you sit and wait for one of them to come true :P I can understand the draw, but... I have too many hangups with frustration and scarcity to enjoy people highlighting the withholding of sexuality. :/ Although, it's odd where the line is.... I'm frustrated by any picture where the focus is on breasts but the nipples are deliberately obscured (for the aforementioned reasons), but once nipples are showing that's enough for me..... but, I have a friend who's frustrated by any sexy 'posing' nudes where the subject isn't actually doing anything sexual. Which I can understand! That almost makes more sense, honestly -- "that is a sexy body, i.e. I would like to see it having sex, so why are you showing that it would be good at that without actually showing it taking place"... but for some reason that doesn't even cross my mind; I'm perfectly happy just seeing someone nude, seeing them actually sexually active is nice but entirely a bonus.... it's probably just the aforementioned nudist tendencies, my hangups about getting past the 'secrecy' of nakedness.

I've been rambling for way longer than I meant to!

Adventures in coexistence

The people upstairs are stomping and hollering. I think it's laughter. It's 2 AM here and they're jumping hard enough to shake things.

They're so silent (other than childhood piano lessons) almost constantly. There must be a college-age son who comes home and brings friends

I'd bang the ceiling but I don't want them knowing I exist. :p

I'm tempted to call the police but I'd have to go out into the snow to check their address and that's just as bad

Hellooooo, google street view

I've literally never heard humans be this loud in otherwise-silence, they sound like they're going hoarse from this shouting

I really want to call the police, but I'm all alone here, I don't want them banging on random neighbours' doors once they're gone

Maybe I'll just put my earplugs in and hope I can sleep through the shaking

I genuinely don't know how I can sell this place with a straight face, knowing this happens, however rarely

Maybe they'll move first :p

How have the other people in the building not called the police; they don't get the stomping, but the shouting must be even clearer up there

In the suburbs you get public security if a party is too loud at 10 PM, this is 3 AM

Anyway I might as well try the earplugs and see how well they work, it's just hard to convince myself to go to bed

At first I thought someone was beating someone else, it's that kind of thumping and running and top-of-lungs hoarse yelling

but that's definitely group laughter

trying to look up 9-1-1 laws, all I can find is September 11th websites x_x

They might be quieting down

I'm just not sure whether I should have called 9-1-1 or some local public security number

I guess I could have plausibly claimed I thought it was domestic abuse :/ (I did for a while!)

I already called once last year when I heard someone screaming intermittently for a pretty long time down the street…

it stopped by the time they got there, I'm not sure if they start billing you for "false alarms" or what

Definitely sounds like they're quieting down, just dragging chairs and footsteps and flushing toilets now

[ . . . ]

It's 4:15 am, I'm calling

I called.

God I hope I had the house number right.

They asked for my name, I gave it, I hope they don't tell them, although I don't think they know it anyway

I feel like I overreacted, but I don't know what else to do, besides go myself, and I honestly don't feel safe doing so

It's not like it's 1 AM and they're doing this, there's no reason to yell from 3 to 4 AM indoors

When they were yelling at 3:30 AM I ignored it because they stopped, but if they aren't stopping, what the hell else do I do

brb anxiety poops

at least they're still going, I was worried they'd be quiet by the time the police got here…

how long until they get here anyway, I know it's just a noise complaint but still

Okay, these assholes are just getting louder, I no longer feel bad about calling the police

God I hope it doesn't just make them angry though

Or they're some kind of gangsters and I just escalated a rivalry I don't understand

How did no-one else call the police? Or did they >_<

they're quiet now, maybe the cops finally came

thank god I didn't have anything planned tomorrow

back to bed

They kept making noise all night, but just 'daytime noise'; scraping chairs, footsteps all over, and daytime-level full (but no longer literal screaming) speaking voices -- obnoxious at 4 in the morning, but not destabilized enough to call the police again over.... I just put my earplugs in at that point, and slept fitfully until 10 or so.

I wonder if the police even came; it's probably policy to say "yes we'll send someone right away" just to shut someone up, and not actually send anyone unless they phone back to go "um where are you", or something... they did get quieter, but they'd gotten temporarily quieter on their own once before.

The whole thing seems like a bad dream in hindsight -- it was weird to wake up this morning and realise that I had an encounter with the police last night (though on the more favorable end of the proverbial nightstick, but still).... part of me is hoping that everyone in the building is going to have an apology gift basket left at their front door by timid-looking parents or something, but I'll settle for it never happening again. At least I don't have to worry that people think I'm the scourge of the building for keeping to myself all the time. There's worse things than being too private. :p (I think this also exempts me from having to worry about Angheling too loud... I don't think anything but a broken bone could make me scream that loud, and we're always done hatoful before it's even dinnertime. :P)

Anyway. Exhausted and shaky now. Glad we weren't planning Hatoful for today... gonna try and take it easy, maybe pop an Ativan if the wall-shaking they're no doubt going to get up to when the Superbowl starts freaks me out too much..
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Time to spend my saturday morning debugging some weird bug that doesn't happen in the dev environment because they're launching tomorrow, yaaaaaaaaaay

I should be done in time for pigeons (and if not it can bloody well wait until after pigeons<3) but in the meantime (while I wait for my changes to upload to the prod environment, AGAIN) here are some tweets about living space!

The first bunch is from when tamakun was staying here for the weekend... come to think of it, did I ever even write about that here? Seriously, just get on twitter already, this is getting ridiculous XD

Today @Tamakun23 and I accidentally walked into the fanciest restaurant I've ever seen :O

Look at this place, it's like a mansionhousestaurant! http://www.pierreducalvet.ca

THEY HAD BIRDS THERE! Look at the eighth picture!

Now if only they didn't serve fancy/traditional stuff like pigs' knuckles… XD

I should research what the stuff on the menu is, find out if any of it is something I'd like…

The prices were about $50 for a meal, which is… considerable, but not unthinkable for a treat, y'know? (If the food is appealing! XD)

I honestly just want to hang out there, what an amazing-looking place, I wonder what they'd charge for me to just sit and read :P

All the rooms I saw were empty; I'd seriously love to just treat it as a cafe, drop in with a laptop and get a snack or something

Why aren't there more places whose business model is to be that beautiful? Or am I weird for finding it beautiful?

Oh my god it's also a hotel :O

And it's less than double what you'd pay for a friggin Holiday Inn! Again, not cheap but… sane!

okay I promise I will stop talking about the Magic Hotelstaurant now and go to bed

but anyway, today's lesson is, good things happen when you wander around a city without knowing what you're looking for :D

Now I'm thinking about The Gobbler… http://www.lileks.com/institute/motel/rooms/4.html

Then, just the other night, some daydream got me thinking about indoor gardens again
I really want a place that would look good filled with plants. (If I did it in my current place, I think it would just look crowded…)

Visualised an outdoor solarium/gazebo overflowing with plants on wicker furniture, and a couch and table in the middle…

God, my old CEGEP had a three-story-tall indoor garden/sunroom/courtyard, I still can't believe how beautiful it was

I used to nap in it every day, so peaceful even when it was bustling

And there was a bigass Foucault's Pendulum in the middle! I really took that school for granted…

This was the same school that had the hologram-making club. Jesus.

http://cmaisonneuve.qc.ca/communaute/location-salle-montreal-salle-de-reunion-salle-de-cours-salle-de-reception-services-a-la-communaute-college-de-maisonneuve/location-de-salles These photos don't do it justice at all, especially the way it's built on multiple levels

I really respond to spaces in a strong way, I'm not sure exactly what it is…

I still love the feel of primitive first-person games just for something about the way the spaces feel; open, but cut-off…

I remember the first time I played Minecraft and I just got this weird burrowing instinct out of nowhere as soon as I realised I could dig.

I wonder if it's coincidence that Maisonneuve (with its indoor garden) is right down the street from the Biodome…

Anyway, while I'm at it, some other random stuff:
Okay so I saw this drawing http://ravenworks.tumblr.com/post/42026133828/ryannorth-hmmm-yes-i-would-play-this-kart and said "there really needs to be a MUGEN of kart racers"

and the more I think about it this is sounding like a really good idea

Scriptable vehicles and maps, let people come up with some really bizarre behaviours and simulations by writing a little JavaScript…

it's waaaaay beyond my means at the moment, but I could see people really having fun with an engine like that


Does anyone else have sudden and random flashbacks to dreams that you had months ago?

Dreams that have nothing to do with what you're currently doing, and that you haven't thought about since dreaming them

I mean the weird thing is, they *feel* months old, in the way that you can tell a memory is old even when you can't place it…

but because I never wrote them down, I technically can't tell whether I ever really had the dream at all, or if the "flashback" invented it!


[I guess this bit is a little pervylicious]Had a dream about porn moans… all the ones you get these days seem so desperate or embarrassed… whatever happened to just enjoying yourself?

Like the actors have to be complicit in reinforcing the audience's shame or else they won't find it "believable"…

I guess it just comes back to the whole "tension as a means of accelerating climax" thing, I forget if I've written about that here

I want to hear the kind of moans that you could only make in a hammock.<3 Picture that…

Or the kind of moans that could be mistaken for the joy of bouncing on a trampoline. The kind of orgasm that makes you squirm and smile!

Free, rather than tight… a celebration of what a great journey it was, instead of a fear that you're missing the big moment

There's nothing wrong with the more hardcore stuff, of course; I enjoy it plenty when I'm in that mood!

It just seems strange that that's come to be, like, 90% of the market… okay, I know I've rambled about that before, at least ;)


I really need to get my ass to karaoke or something. I keep having dreams about singing in front of people…

Never been, though; that's a super-big "how the hell do I even approach these people" zone :P

Would be fun to get up there and sing harmony, but I'm not even sure how many other people I know sing

Maybe what I want is just to be in a band again. It's such a weird thing when you want to create and share but you're afraid of audiences :P

For a while my plan was to record stuff and stick it on Tumblr, but it always turned into "no, no, I can make it better…"


I'm still so shy about social networks. I feel like I'm just imitating the people who use them "for real". :p #impostorComplex

man, the last site I felt like I 'belonged' on was friggin' EZboard

So many things I've been wanting to try lately... and I still need to polish that work I did on Infiniwall over the break so I can publish it!

But first I need to test this damn bug that disappears every single time I change anything to make it easier to debug... :P