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So! Today was a weird day worth jotting down. First, I nearly had a panic attack but didn't. Then, I had a panic attack.

It was just a straw-breaking-a-camel's-back thing, nothing too atrocious.... I got fixated on the fact that one of my coworkers keeps a toy gun on his desk at one point, but I talked myself down from that, realising that I was just looking for something to be anxious about.... but then all the requests and the changes and the deadlines came in one after another after another, and after hearing my tone of voice become increasingly shouty despite my desire for it not to be so, I finally just realised that I wasn't hearing what anyone was saying at me, and that my head was starting to go numb, and I stood up, said "I need five minutes", got out my ativan (which I now keep in my bag), and went for a walk in the building while I waited for it to kick in.

Ativan, when you're stressed enough for it to do something, and awake enough not to sleep through it, is apparently pretty weird..... it doesn't do anything at all for about a full half hour, and then BAM, everything feels a little funny, and you no longer give a shit. Even on ativan though, I wasn't any happier about my situation -- it's not that kind of thing. I was just able to give it the kind of "this is so full of shit" treatment that I probably always should, rather than the "this is going to eat me alive and they are all going to watch and laugh as this job deadline somehow strips the meat off my ribs in front of them" that I was getting before I took the ativan. But ultimately, it just made me dizzy, and made me lose about half an hour of time (the time between taking it and feeling it kick in felt like about two minutes, but my clock said it was 30.... which explains why I was wondering why it was taking so long, before it finally kicked in... I mean, I remember everything that happened in the duration, but it "feels" like those things took two minutes to happen, even though I know I couldn't have written that much on twitter in so short a time... but if I hadn't been watching the clock or doing something like writing, I could easily have thought that it WAS just two minutes, which I presumably did for both of my previous experiences with it!)

Anyway I'm hungry now so whatever! My boss wrote me an email at the end of the day to ask how I was, and I'm glad to say I was pretty frank in answering; I complained about the project management, and explained that the anxiety has driven me to meds, but that I'm not interested in a job that I have to be medicated to put up with, and that I'd rather be working for myself, but I'd happily stay IF I were able, etc. etc... I dunno, we'll see. FOOD TIME

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You did something great today - it took a harsh jolt for you to do it, but you brought something that had been plaguing you for ages out into the open. I hope that this wakes them up or turns out well otherwise.

And while I don't have a sudden... rush of it, I do find that after about half an hour, lorazepam does just... gently make me care about things less.

Ativan is definitely a rush. The first time felt like a LITERAL ocean wave rolling over me (not like a tidal wave; like I laid down in the shallows, and the trail end of one splashed across me like a blanket....) The time I took it for a test I felt nothing, but yesterday I felt like.... well, it just felt like a "whoa!" moment, like when a piece of information clicks and wildly changes your context. And the mild dizziness and muscle-relaxant symptoms kick in at the same instant, so it's definitely a little disorienting :P

And, yes. I have a weird sort of gratitude for how awful yesterday was.... I did need that push to speak up. Thank you for supporting me through this. :)

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My one experience with pot was awful, I spent the whole night struggling to get control of my mind.... it had way too strong an effect, and just made me incredibly uncomfortable in every way. But, if you're saying there are anxious blends and calm blends... that might explain it?

My boss isn't interested in letting me go. He spoke to me today about how he understands now that I just can't keep up, and how he wants to be accommodating. Hopefully it bears out.... I believe him, but, things have a way of backfiring, or just getting out of hand, around here.

I am interested in quitting, although it is leavened with a sobering knowledge that the job market is shitty up here too, yeah. Luckily, there's a huge market for my skills in advertising contexts, and advertising is always booming.... (I keep expecting the bubble to burst, but it seems to just be too entrenched into the economy as we understand it!) And.... as uncomfortable as I am tooting my own horn, I am pretty good at this. The main reason I want to quit, even more than the stress, is because I know I can do incredible things with my skills. I'm figuring out all kinds of stuff, and it's just going to waste promoting TV franchises to children who aren't paying attention... But, given the economy, and given the fact that I'm almost halfway done paying off my house, I think I could be tempted to stick around for a few more years, if the stress situation calms down, and if I have more time to spend on my personal projects..... both of which are now in progress, with any luck.

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