RavenWorks (ravenworks) wrote,
RavenWorks
ravenworks

Slept in again…kept thinking I was going to get up sooner, but just kept slipping back into sleep every time. Weird how strict that timer is

Had some weird dreams—that my computer caught a virus because I left it running unattended over night (control freak much? :P)…

…that I accidentally drove through mob territory while I was on a road trip, and now they were chasing me down…

but I had one GOOD dream, about the ecstasy of letting go when a roller coaster hurls you earthward in freefall…

trusting the bar in your lap, and just becoming a projectile, one of the universe's glorious curving arcs…

part of it was just the joy of weightlessness (which made me, in the dream, resolve to buy an Oculus Rift so I could reproduce it at home!)

but part of it was abandoning myself to the feeling of surrender, which is something I just can't do…

I think that's why I was so miserable the one time I tried pot, because I spent the whole night struggling to hold on with a weakened grip…

but anytime something successfully makes me let go (a roller coaster, a concert, a friend holding me in just the right way) it's such a rush

I've always intended to try and be more that way in my daily life, but it's so impossible to stare down the entire human race and say "okay"

I'm growing more and more tempted to try transitioning to anxiety meds… doubly so since I remembered that Ativan helps my sleep…

The stuff you can safely take on a daily regimen has WAY more side-effects, though—ESPECIALLY during the two-week adjustment period…

and there's several different meds to try, none of which might work, so that's literally months of side-effects to float through…

I don't have the nerve to go through it while I'm trying to hold down an already-stressful job (which is another reason I wanted to quit…)

aaaaanyway
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