RavenWorks (ravenworks) wrote,

I'm gonna try and keep this brief so it doesn't defeat its own purpose.... so my boss said he's in support of me trying to make money at my own projects on my own time, and agreed that we'll phase into the four-day week over the next little while. (That's a bit vaguer than I would have hoped, but I won't let it slide.) So I started thinking about what makes me so uncomfortable about this job... and beyond just general social anxiety, it's mostly the way their total and utter lack of understanding their own schedules leaves me worrying that I'm going to be stuck unable to get any sleep because of how they've quadruple-booked me....

and then it hit me, that the one flaw with this argument, is the assumption that I have to do whatever they tell me. I very regularly wind up staying late to finish things -- I could stand here and write stammering paragraphs about the totally arbitrary and unproductive random task switches the project managers (managerS!) have me do to try and make themselves feel productive, while of course never relenting on their original demands that I need to have spent "a full day" on their project, regardless of each other or their own subsequent pre-empting of that demand.... But the fact is, as much as I feel like project scheduling meetings are people sitting around debating over how heavy to make the collar they're screwing my neck to the wall with, like.... they aren't standing on either side of my chair with weapons. (They do often stand on either side of my chair, but, they've usually gone home by the time my workday is over :P) I can say "I didn't get it done" and get up and leave -- I can stop enabling their random requests. I'm just so programmed to go "don't disappoint the authority figure, don't disappoint the authority figure, DON'T DISAPPOINT THE AUTHORITY FIGURE" to myself that I've never bothered questioning the validity of their authority.... here I am giving myself sleep deprivation -- and making myself a sweaty anxious wreck by living in fear of sleep deprivation -- for fear of losing a job THAT I'M TRYING TO QUIT!

And that's the significant thing! I'm just so conditioned to see myself as a passenger in my own life..... I've spent all this time and energy being mad at my job.... when I've completely failed to play any role in making my job be what it should be! I've just been silently fuming and wishing for it to become something else, and making plans to leave it entirely, because the thought of making plans to change it seemed like making plans to fly to work like Superman; it's not a thing that happens. Except of course that for normal people, it is. x_X

Anyway, I'm going to get going, I do want to try getting in earlier more consistently.... it's just been a weird wakeup call to understand that I'm one of the people in my life, and that failing to choose is still actively making choices, just not necessarily the choices you'd like to be making..... envisioning myself as a paralyzed passenger child surrounded by the adults who make the decisions, however automatic and intuitive it is, is completely delusional, and only makes it harder for other people to interact with me, because they're seeing an adult human behaving strangely, where I only see a pair of floating eyes surrounded by scripted events that push it around like an on-rails shooter....

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